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Swansong for a RAven

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ouch [10 Jun 2006|04:23pm]
[ mood | fuck moods ]

I can't help but feel a void in my life
I feel so hallowed out
that I can't comprehend my existance
and my throughts are slowly growing more irrational each day
I can't think
I don't want to speak
Tears dwell but are never released
I don't understand this feeling
but strangely it hurts
I don't know what to do with myself
and everything I wanted is slowly leaving me
and my life is spiraling out of control
and I don't know hwat I did to begin this
I don't know much anymore I suppose
and it's funny because people can hurt me
and never give a shit
fuck family
fuck friends
fuck people
fuck relationships
fuck thoughts
fuck my stupidity
for this something good and possitive could actually happen in my life

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my changes [11 Apr 2006|04:16pm]
Hey. I was looking back on some of my later journals to realize, my philosophies were crap! I must have been a complete moron honestly...And I was so pessimistic. I still am but I love life still. I've changed so much in this short amount of time...strange.
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ouch [03 Dec 2005|05:44am]
[ mood | melancholy ]

wow my spirit is almost crushed at this moment...and I should have known better, but no...ouch...I'll get over it....but wow I havent felt that way in a long time...

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friends [25 Nov 2005|02:43pm]
It's funny how one person can say something and it makes you realize they were never your friend, they never bothered to actually try and understand what went wrong or why you are the way you are and now I realize that this person has no idea what I have been through and they will continue complaining to me about how horrrible things are in their life and never once ask "how are you?" well it doesn't matter I have only proven myself right again...
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I'm tierd of life [20 Nov 2005|05:58pm]
well that's basically it life has exausted me...I need to move out regardless of the fact I will lose everything I don't care, I am dying inside...I am confused and hurt.... it's funny because only the people you love can hurt you ...so why bother loving...I am done with life...seriously....you know what would be funny if I typed that and the next day I was found dead...for no reason, just dead... I wonder what would happen if I died....after I died ...would the world suddenly make sense? hopefully it would or else I'll feel the same dead or alive and well then life and death would be pointless... damn I wonder if anyone knows how much it hurts to wake up afraid and go to bed afraid and wake up bassically dead inside...I sound so emo...ha stupid stereotypes....I don't know how I feel anymore I just need to umm....meditate ....for a long time and then move....If I don't move out I will end up commiting emotional suicide, if I haven't already...fuck...this....shit
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I'm a fuck up [31 Oct 2005|10:42am]
[ mood | gloomy ]

I fucked up...bad I did and said some shit that is fucking haunting me at the moment I can't fucking believe this shit man fuck...fuck...fuck....what the hell did I do? I hope this will be something small later on ....and no one will care about it...I hope...fuck...I fucked up I think...really...really bad man ...

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Fuck [10 Oct 2005|03:52pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

My mom left me again...she left for the first like 12 years of my life and now she left a week ago...I found out on saturday...what a bitch and she took my brother and the only escape I had with her. She took the last of my emotions...my friend Jarrod found out that I haven't cried since 5th grade...he said I was dying inside...and now I know what is dying... my emotions...I am weak...pathehdic really... I have no hopes anymore... and what if my dad flips out again even though he said It was the last time? where do I go? it keeps getting worse everytime...so what about the next? crap...fuck...shit...hahaha I guess I have no one...or anywhere to go anymore...I should leave...I've tried before, but it never works...I can try again but I know I'll fail... so I'll stay and try to cry...fuck this sucks...I want to cry... I would feel better...weaker but better...what do I do now...nothing? yeah...nothing... I don't even know what I'm typing now... Fuck this

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fuck emotions [24 Sep 2005|07:53am]
I found that the one person I felt could mak eme happy can no longer do that we are two different people I didn't see that until a day ago now I must hurt someone I truely care for...damn it man I have so much emotional/mental crap going on right now...fuck...
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a feeling rare to me [18 Sep 2005|03:06pm]
I have never felt so happy I found someone special...truely special...I feel wanted...god I'm happy...be happy with me...yet I'm afraid and I need to get over that...really...I think this is special, really special is that odd of me???
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addictions are who I am....pathedic [15 Aug 2005|11:55pm]
[ mood | stressed ]

I feel that I have a few addictions that will escalade out of control smoking will kill me and I hope I don't start up again no matter how tempting drinking it stress relieving and I know is out of control but now I realize addictions can never be stopped they are always part of you, festering until you grow weak...I can't do this anymore...be weak that is...I know I'm not a weak person but everything is falling apart in my mind...a puzzle that will no longer fit together...yes my mind I think I'm having another nervous break down..I need a ciggerette...bad habit I know but I need something...it's the part of me I seem to be missing

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[14 Jul 2005|01:15pm]
[ mood | numb ]

Still I have this feeling of mental unstableness I don't think I'll ever be stable I wonder why but my life wasn't that bad just painful my past reminds me of who I really am and what I will become. My mother a fucked up whore I won't lie. She was a fucking drug addict who would trip out on speed and trip out on me and hey even leave me on my fucking disabled grandmothers steps to raise me. She has fucking ALS how was she supposed to raise me I took care of her since I could remember and her son sat their in his room (my father) in his filth he sat while I helped always helping...manipulating me to fucking work constantly I lost my childhood maturity I skipped I am nothing I fucking hate it...why I don't understand the mother ruined my life and she didn't care and never called never saw her...the begining of a long story fuck I can't help the way I feel and I don't know why anymore I wish I understood maybe oneday I'll look back on this and it will be a small teen dramma...no it won't it's my life or this small part you know of... NO one knows anything about me and i'm to blame I don't want you to know I drink alone in my room hoping to feel some stupid emotion or that I'm fucking disgusted with myself and with everyone. I'm not a nice person and I'm not beautiful I am me and I am nothing it seems I don't even know what I'm saying anymore...I have too much crap to do...and guess what my little sisters will stop loving me they already have you don't know what that means but I know this and my brother too I need one day just one I'll go somewhere, nowhere I did it twice it didn't work, I was found nowhere I don't even know what I felt ha running away I don't reccomend it...it's useless I hurt so many people in my life I'm a bitch and I have a foul mouth no I'm even uglier no one knows and I feel like I keep falling down and now my balance...what was me is gone and I'm on the ground what do I have left? Hope? yes...sadly hope for myself and this world, this pathedic world I don't make sense only to myself...But this is what this journal is for maybe someone will get to know me and know how I ruined myself it's no one's fault so now I'm a lair... an ugly person hopefully one day I'll change... I want to go to a party and get drunk and do something fun fofr once I used to have fun, so much fun I wasn't happy but for that moment with those stupid punks I sat and belonged...to nothing...


These lyrics are good...read them they mean a lot to me for some reason

My dreams unroll
Ten thousand fold
Their world will never take me
They will never desecrate my soul

The stars I have grasped
Are so far lonely constellations
And wishing on those stars
My spirit bars annihilation

From earthen miseries
Hosts of most fell forms of greed
Ghosts of pearly gate remissions

Forever haunting me
Slit the witch and watch him bleed
As with any inquisition

Lying from the start
The preachers piled their craft
Scoffing elder glories
And dying, I depart
To make their sunken hearts
A coffin for their stories

Image hosted by Photobucket.com


isn't it a lovely picture...
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[13 Jul 2005|09:13pm]
Meh I don't know how I feel anymore I truely wish I did My life is confusing and has lost it's meaning it seems I don't understand things anymore, like I ever did whatever what am I supposed to do just write on this crap hoping to find someone who understands immpossible everyone's life is too different to understand eachothers I have mentally given up and I have no feeling, yet I do I don't know if that makes sense...I have no real friends how sad, truely sad I'm 'wierd" thats what they think I make it difficult for all of you to understand me uhg I don't know what I am saying or feeling or thinking...nothing but everything at the same time my past suddenly cme back to me and I don't like this reality no it's not a reality it's whatever I see it as. I hate people, cruel but true what else am I supposed to say I don't even have a family that I can count on no friends either so I'm alone, I'm sick of being alone...and what will I do later in life willl I stay like this?
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Workoverload [04 May 2005|08:19pm]
[ mood | distressed ]

I have so many reports and essays it's sick and of course I'm tierd and over worked and I need sleep badly I want to stay home for one day to just study and catch up but I can't I'm so tierd and I typed my essay and my computer ran out of ink so you can barely see the words but I have to turn it in tommorow no matter what so this sucks. I can't fail anymore classes but hey I'm too fucking stupid as my dad says to learn math or spanish Bah whatever I need sleep and one day to be alone but that wont happen but whatever I need to think of mothers day gifts crap... I'm such a horrible person to everyone ok end of story.

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[25 Apr 2005|03:14pm]
[ mood | awake ]

I realize that live journal sucks... There is now way to tell how you feel truely and my posts are becoming more confusing and I'm sick of live journal bassically so I will post every now and then if something actually interesting happens in my life. But for now I'll just leave.

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A random thought on life and how it could have been meant to be like... [18 Apr 2005|07:48pm]
[ mood | This is my hamster! ]

I guess life is going to suprise you eventually...I don't know why I'm even thinking about it. But mine really has, honestlly My life has dumped around so much. I've been through so much, not nearly as much as some people I know. But I guess it is all for the better, Life teaches you lessons everyday, and I've been to mad to even realize that. it sucks to know that all my mistakes could have been prevented and I would never have scared the people who love me or hurt them, if I had only calmed down for one second to see what life was trying to teach me. But I know that everything that I viewed as a mistake, was actually meant to happen. And hopefully if I am correct alll these things will lead up to who I will become...

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MOHAWK! [16 Apr 2005|11:02pm]
[ mood | accomplished ]

http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y145/erzabetbathory/MOHAWKblackandwhite.jpg

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Mowhawk and agravation... [16 Apr 2005|10:18am]
[ mood | Damn hair... ]

I'm trying to do a mowhwak with my hair, but failing miserably... but eh I'll keep trying. My goal is to go to school with a mowhawk on monday.

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My week so far [13 Apr 2005|04:40pm]
[ mood | drained ]

Eh my week so far is kind of boring. Testing starts next week and I don't think anyone is too excited about that...Oh yeah my baby brother was born last thursday. And thats about it, nothing really exciting is happening. Didn't I already say that? Oh well...I finished my english project alreday, so that is great now I only have like almost 300 words to define, a book report and some other crap I got for end of the year. I'm tierd, and I don't really know why, I get about 8 hours of sleep everyday...I wwant coffee. I'll be going now.

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[05 Apr 2005|08:31am]
[ mood | lights on...lights off...ligh ]

I went to DisneyLand yesterday, but it was more of a chill out day. Then we ate at some expensive restaurant and I felt so bad. We spent 161 dollars. Can you believe that? If I would have not eaten there and made a sandwich instead, then I could sent my 40 dollar meal to someone who truly needs it. It was a big mood ruiner. There is an ALS walk coming up by my house (or I think) my grandma has that disease and it really sucks. But the weird thing is that she was supposed to die before my dad finished elementary and now she has lived long enough to even have grandchildren. But I wounder if it is painful for her, I really hope not. It sucks because now that she has surpassed her day to die she can die any day now, with no with her. I am thinking about moving back with her, but my family is so corrupt. They know me and britney will do anything for anyone and take advantage of that. But I can't say no, because I know they can't do it or that they just don't want to. Wow that was totally off topic...

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[03 Apr 2005|07:40pm]
[ mood | chipper ]

I went to acquire the fire this weekened. It was nice. It is really helpful to be surrounded by thousands of joyful people. I got to be myself they didn't care what music I listened to or how I dresses. It was so releaving to see so many people just like me there. I have never felt so much like myself.

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